My Facebook feed has been awash with this piece on the Huffington post by Glennon Melton entitled “Don’t Carpe Diem.” (which might tell you quite about about my Facebook friends). In it, Melton rails against well-meaning busybodies who tell her to enjoy every minute of raising her children. Instead, she claims that she doesn’t love parenting, she loves having parented. And she loves those moments out of time (usually involving sleeping children) when she is grateful for the wonder of her children.
Now, I, too, love those moments. Who doesn’t love those moments? Those moments when the sweetness of your baby, the fullness of your life, just takes your breath away. I’m not disputing that those moments are great. But the rest of this parenting gig doesn’t have to be the hard slog that Melton makes it out to be. (She likens it to climbing Mount Everest. Really? I’ve never gotten frostbite parenting.)
I think there’s been a trend, exacerbated by the internet, of “Keeping it real.” No, parenting isn’t all roses and choruses of angels. Changing diapers is never fun. Sleep deprivation is rarely fun. Trying to find childcare when your kid has the sniffles and you and your husband both have “can’t-miss” meetings at work? Not fun. But this constant complaining I see about how HARD parenting is doesn’t provide the real picture either. I say this: If you aren’t having any fun, you’re doing it wrong.
I am lucky in this way. I realized when the Nuni was VERY tiny that my most miserable mom days were ones where I was trying to get us to conform to some idea I had about parenting. I’d spend the entire day in the house, trying unsuccessfully to get her to nap, only to have my husband arrive home at 5 pm to find a wild-eyed and haggard wife and a cranky baby. On days when I packed us into the car and took us some place — any place — where we could see something together, I would be rewarded with bright-eyed interest and a sound sleep on the car ride home. When I’m trying to accomplish things, whether it’s cooking a meal or running errands or doing laundry, a 4 year old can get in the way. She wants attention, she wants action, she wants her mom. But when I dial down my expectations and actually parent her — let her help break the eggs, or choose the groceries or fold the clothes — we start doing things together, and we have a lot of fun.
I genuinely enjoy my kid. I enjoy those sleeping breathless moments, but I also enjoy the funny conversations, the stories about her school day, the play games where she is “Hermione, and mama can be Pwofessor McGonagall, and Agnes de dog can be Neville.” And I do have to remind myself to enjoy them, like when she’s been in bed 45 minutes and she’s still cycling through her repertoire of songs, making up new lyrics to old favorites. Yes, it would probably be better if she were asleep, but frankly, there’s nothing I can do about that, so I might as well sit in the next room, giggling at her made-up words. The Nuni LOVES going to movies, and her thrill at the big screen and a bucket of popcorn makes up for a mediocre movie. She LOVES shopping for shoes, and going to museums, and mixing batters. If I can let go of some of my expectations and find ways for us to be together, parenting time seems more like playtime, and less like an exercise in frustration.
Kids are fun. Do you remember being a kid, how fun it was? The games you played, the fun and excitement in even the most mundane things? Parenting a kid lets you relive all that. To put away that critical voice from time to time, and just be in the moment. You should carpe that diem. Stop what you’re doing and think about what neat people your children are. Find ways to be with them that’s fun for both of you. Things still need to get done, but with a little attitude adjustment (which, I fully admit, I’m not always capable of), sometimes the “Must do’s” become “Get to do’s” because we get to do them together.
I don’t enjoy every second of parenting, but when I look back over the past four and a half years of time spent with my kid, I think I had fun more often than not. And if I’m not stopping to notice that, I’m missing out. Carpe Diem, indeed.
What a great post! Thank you for putting that so eloquently into words. If I could pin it (to revisit over and over), I would! =)
well said mommy… i always say, i love the relationship part of being a mom, i love my children, but the responsibilities of being a mom, (cooking cleaning, endless details) those i could live without…
I think I would feel the same as you, if I had only my 4-year-old to parent. I don’t intend to sound condescending when I say that – don’t lump me in with the, “Just WAIT until you have two!” crowd. That’s not what I mean – just commenting on my own experience with parenting.
My 4-year-old is a delight and a lot of fun. We can do interesting things together, and she cracks me up a lot of the time. I honestly enjoy her company! But I have two other kids in the mix, both of whom are very needy, and so yes, I think parenting is hard. And often not fun. I really related to the Mt. Everest analogy – it’s hard, but it’s worth it, and there is incredible beauty and joy to be had along the way. And pride for having completed the task! (That’s how I feel, anyway.) But the actual day to day, the climb – for me, it can sometimes feel like drudgery. It is often Not Fun. My toddler and my older kid with special needs are a joy, and I enjoy them – don’t get me wrong. I’m privileged to have these kids. But caretaking for all of them at once is a lot of work, and it is exhausting. I could relate to the piece because I often feel guilty for not relishing every moment of their childhoods.
I do appreciate special moments with my children, and I know the time I have with them here, under my roof, is fleeting and precious. But it is work, man. It is hard work, and it is often disgusting work, and it is often maddening. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but damn if I’m not always on the lookout for a break.
All that said, my parenting circumstances are unique (special needs). Anyway, it’s an interesting topic for sure.
I get your point, Betsy, and not only do I only have one right now, I also work outside the house (so I get lots of breaks from the parenting side of things. I still need breaks on weekends though. Or evenings. I never intended to imply that you shouldn’t need a break!) I do see you getting more frustrated when you’re trying to meet some standard, though, and I think we all do. And I do think we go through less fun phases, and more fun phases, and two kids who need constant attention is a less fun phase. But I still think it’s an important message, to try to enjoy your kids. Not always possible (as I said), but worth a shot.
I agree with you. The goal should be there, and I find when I set it, and I really, really try to “seize the day,” parenting is more enjoyable for me. But there are some days – a lot of days – where it feels like too much effort, trying to enjoy it. That sounds awful, but for me, it’s often true.
You are so right. Parenting doesn’t have to be so difficult. Too many mothers feel the need to be superwoman with everything tidy all the time, all the meals home made, children spotlessly clean, work always caught up on the job and not one moment in the day for themselves.
It’s no wonder so many find parenting difficult.
I’m old and rusty and honestly, when it’s all said and done and the children are out on their own, it won’t matter one bit how often you went to bed with a sink full of dishes. What’s important is how that child fits into the world.
Great post.
I have to say that I’m with Betsy here. I adore all three of my six-and-unders. I cherish the fun moments with them. And I hated being an only (and still do), so I wanted to give them the joy of siblings.
But it is a *lot* easier to cherish the moment with just one child. When I have the opportunity to spend time with just Annika, or just Adrian, or just Katia, it can be magic. Anything we do together can be extraordinary. But though we try for those one-on-ones, both Evan and I, reality is that our commitment to “special Mommy/Daddy and Annika/Adrian/Katia time” is honored more in the breach.
The vast majority of our time together is with all 3 kids together, or at least with 2. And that equals brokering a million sibling rivalry disputes, or ignoring them, or just trying to keep them from loving the baby to death. It’s exhausting. It can be a boatload of fun and it’s one of the most meaningful things I’ve ever done with my life, but it’s exhausting.
Although we had a lot of new-parent stress when Annika was little, I had no idea how much harder parenting more than one kid was. As an only, I had no frame of reference! And yet I obviously liked it enough to have yet a third kid, so clearly it’s good more often than it isn’t. Parenting…the highs are higher and the lows are lower. Of course, it is absolutely beautiful to see Katia reaching for Adrian in the morning, or Annika “reading” to Adrian (these days it’s more likely to be Adrian reading to the others, but I digress), or one of them standing up for the other on a playground. But parenting more than one is a level of stress that you just don’t get when you can focus *all* your parenting attention on one kid.
I think it’s probably true that “If you aren’t having *any* fun, you’re doing it wrong”–in the sense that if parenting is *never* fun, there’s something wrong. But if you go through periods where parenting is un-fun more often than it’s a carnival of unending delight, then you’re a normal parent of more than one kid.
You’re right Gina, I do only have one at the moment. And I may come back here in a year and eat my words. But I don’t know — the fun isn’t just in the planned funtime activities. It’s in the morning, when the Nuni stumbles into our room, buries her face in the pillow, and exclaims “TURN OFF THE LIGHTS. They are dwiving me CWAZY,” causing both me and K to crack up. That’s not a “Kairos moment” — it’s just fun. And I hope that we continue to have those with kid #1 and have some with kid #2 as well.
Well said friend.
To be honest, I think you’re saying just about the same thing as the Huffington Post article. I agree with you 100% that when I take a break from thinking about what has to be done and actually PLAY a bit with my kids, I do enjoy it and those are very happy moments. But I’m also in Betsy’s camp – two kids and a third on the way, plus living in a foreign country with no family near to help out or provide support. I am doing this because I love it, no doubt about that, but it doesn’t mean that it has to be easy and admitting that it’s hard does not mean that I am doing it wrong. (It’s actually quite hard even when you take the dishes and the laundry out of the equation.) But still, I agree with you and with Melton … so I don’t think you’re too far off from each other.
I see both sides of the coin. My kid was a really, really challenging baby. I was fairly miserable for the first year. When people would tell me to savor it and love every minute I wanted to kick them. However, as he got older and we worked through some of the issues, I felt a little more in control. And once he started talking and became his own little person, everything got so much better. Now I truly do enjoy him the vast majority of the time and miss him when he’s at preschool.
The kicker here is that we probably won’t be able to have another child, which means I’m switching into nostalgic, “treasure every moment” mode, because this is likely my only shot at this. It all becomes so much more precious when you realize it’s fleeting. However, I wish people would have laid off of me that first year, when I was really struggling, and they had no idea what I was up against. It wasn’t fun and their well-meaning comments just added salt to the wounds.
Erin,
I TOTALLY don’t think you need to (or should) enjoy every moment of parenting. You’d have to be a psychopath to treasure some moments. But I still say if you’re looking at your life and you’re not having ANY fun with your kid, it’s time to try to find some.
I believe one of the key themes of the source article was “I will enjoy having parented.” Isn’t that a problematic message? I don’t like any of this, but I will love when it’s all over? I think this part is the whole point. Having kids, not “having had kids.” Having had kids is a checklist philosophy of life – I did it, it’s over, I’m so glad.
I’m think your message, Kate, was very different from the source piece, and it’s a message that is one of balance. Not of waiting for it to be over. Enjoying the parts that are here right now for you to enjoy… enjoying it more than you don’t enjoy it…. enjoying it on the balance.
I think as a general rule, if you are only enjoying it when everyone is unconscious, there’s a problem there.
I enjoyed this post, just as I enjoyed the Huffington Post post. And I have to agree with the comment above that, in many ways, I think you are both making the same commentary and both understand, as many of us moms do, how fleeting and precious these magical years are.
I also have to agree that more than one child changes the dynamic significantly. I have two year old twins who had special medical needs from birth that were life threatening. Luckily they are mostly healthy now, so I can finally breathe and enjoy my days with them like a “normal parent” but has parenting been an “endless carnival of delight” everyday? No. Some days it felt more like Mt. Everest climb. Does that mean that I’m not enjoying my boys, relishing in their laughter, their silliness, or their beauty? No. I make it my *JOB* to enjoy them, to soak them in, to appreciate them, to have fun with them, and to expose them to fun and to the world. Life threatening illness does that to a person — it helps them focus on their KIDS and not on the chores.
So I AM one of the moms you are describing. I do not put chores or laundry or errands before having fun and giggles with my boys. But yet…somedays, it’s still really hard. And I think that’s part of what the Huffington Post article brings to light that I liked — just because you are putting your whole heart and soul into this parenting thing and some days you’re so exhausted or frustrated that you want to cry, that doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
I think that’s a really important and freeing message to parents, especially those balancing the needs and demands of more than one child (or more than one child with special needs). I appreciated that message…similarly to how I appreciate your message that it’s also important to put away some of the things that are making it more difficult (e.g. put down the laundry basket and let the kiddos jump in the fresh warm laundry!) and ENJOY!
Thanks for the post.
I agree…if you can’t find fun it it, change it up! This is something that I need to work on.
Thank you for this! I found your post googling the author of the article on Huffington Post. I am seriously one of the only people among my facebook friends who is pretty “eh” about that article. Having lost my son right before he was born and having nearly died myself, I really, really try to soak up every bit of joy that I can in my days with my daughter. Because everything from teaching her about lying to listening to her sing a new song she made up is a gift I don’t plan on taking for granted.
I haven’t read the Huffington article, but I think your perspective is spot on. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my vast 14 months of being a parent of one, it’s that if I focus on results (clean house, clean plate, clean child) I’m frustrated. But if I focus on the process (singing the sweeping song, suctioning peas with a straw, hiding things under the bath bubbles), the intended results are occasionally a bonus but the real result is we’re both happy. It sounds like the article focuses on results rather than process which for me would shortchange the whole venture…and maybe ultimately not achieve the big picture results you really wanted all along.
Excellent article. I haven’t read the HP article.
I have to agree with Betsy & Gina on the point that enjoying one child is, in hindsight, easy. I now lavish the moments with my son, who is 2, when both of his sisters are in school (one 1st grader, full time and one kindergartner who goes 2 1/2 days a week). In those moments with him I can remember the joys of parenting. I can take time to ‘teach’ and play with him. When I am with all 3, I am a referee and maid-servant. It is often emotionally exhausting. There is so, so much to do when you have 3 or (eeek!) more who are young and close in age. It really takes a concerted effort to stop housekeeping and start to ‘parent’. Are the kids and I all happier when I get down on the floor with them, or cuddle up to read, or chase them around, or let all 3 of them ‘help’ make pancakes or muffins? Yes, we are! But then Mommy and Papa would be miserable in a messy house with no decent food to eat and only dirty clothes to wear. It’s a balancing act. I can only choose to do and be my best on the high wire of life.
I just found your website and love it. I wanted so badly to have children and for a variety of reasons, I did not. At 54, my heart aches about this and probably always will. My own parents made parenting look difficult and unfullfilling. I promised myself I would never ever do the same.